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The Sound of Motherhood

"It's like raising Beyoncé"

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When you’ve had your eyebrows permed for the first time and are now stuck looking like a walking talking snap chat filter for the next 24 hours while your brows are slicked down with perming solution. And theeeeen remember you can’t work from home tomorrow after all as you have a team meeting so you figure you’ll alert the group watts app to get some of the piss taking out of the way before then. As expected they were perfectly supportive 🤣 May cut a fringe... #thestartledlookisinapparently #whenyourworkmatesripthepiss

Meet Bill. Bill the Bull. I wasn’t expecting to meet Bill on my Sunday morning walk at #cobhamwoodandmausoleum but to my surprise there he was, just casually chilling with his homies at the entrance to the woods 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had the child with me who obviously threatened to go into full scale panic mode as if we’d just been teleported into a Spanish bull ring whilst a bull fighter manically waves a red flag directly at us (she is the most dramatic child known to man so I wasn’t surprised). Fortunately for us Bill was quite direct in giving us a healthy dose of side eye to warn us to keep our distance. So direct, in fact, you could call him #nobullbill 🤷🏼‍♀️ Can’t quite believe we made it out alive tbh.... Nor can I believe we managed the whole walk when it was like a bloody #toughmudder track what with recent rain. Totally should have worn wellies (trainers are knackered now) and considering my child is like Clumpy Clumperson of the Clumsy Kids I half expected her to end up going arse over in the mud but surprisingly she only narrowly missed dropping me in it instead so the washing machine’s winning 👍 Ahh...Sundays. They were so much easier when they only involved lie ins and hangovers 🤷🏼‍♀️ @kent.onthedoorstep #publicserviceannouncement #onlygotocobhamwoodsifwearingwelliesandyoulovebulls #onthedoorstep #doorstepdiscovery #discoverkent #kentbloggers

Day 10,045 of Moving House Parents have been here a week. The new house was left filthy with no working boiler (arseholes), I lost the key to the house I sold and narrowly avoided having to get the lock smith out, it’s rained for the 200th day in a row, and I spent a tonne on new keys and then found a stash of keys left by the vendor. Im annoying the child. The grandparents are annoying the child. The child is annoying everyone. I’m annoying my parents. My parents are annoying me. My parents are annoying each other. The house needs loads doing to it so the house is annoying me also. There’s a level of passive aggression going on that’s driving us all to drink for 7 consecutive nights so far. Needless to say I’m actually grateful to be returning to work tomorrow 🙈🤣 On the plus side my parents have been amazing and helped loads. And we’re in. And I’ve got work tomorrow...did I mention that?! 😜 #movinghouse #stressfultime #thankgodforwine #andgin

That time we won #halloween with a dress that had wings to rival #maleficent . I spent ages painting her face white with ‘cracks’ in it and covered it in 3D moths. Ahh the effort that went into it. Never to be repeated again 🤷🏼‍♀️ This year, she got a £5 tutu and devil ears from Asda, and did her own make up. Everything in moderation, right? 😜 #keepemontheirtoes

**Little Devil** So the #tween is packed off for a Halloween afternoon at her drama school. She went all out on her make up and I’m pretty sick to my stomach at how she can trawl it on that good at ten years old (swipe to see). I can’t even do that for a full on night out 🙈🤣 I’d like to say it’s a skill developed through years of being a dancer/performer. But who am I kidding, it’s all down to the nasal Americans and their beauty tutorials on You Tube she studies intently like it’s fookin’ Shakespeare 🤷🏼‍♀️ I hope she enjoys her #Halloween fun today as we’re bypassing Halloween this year since we’re moving house on the 31st. The child was shooketh earlier when she heard that: what do you mean, Mum, we’re not going trick or treating this year?! Uhhhhh because we’re moving a whole house that day my beloved little narcissist! #apparentlymovinghouseonlytakesfiveminutesandshouldnottakeprecedenceoverhalloweenfunmother

**I will go the ball...** Or not. As the case may be as this shoe is now five sizes too small! As much as the child is trying to ‘be helpful’ in sorting out the charity shop drop in advance of our move next week, in actuality she’s as about as much use as tits on a fish 🤷🏼‍♀️ Literally every thing she sees - any old piece of tat - is suddenly eulogised and deemed instantly precious even though it’s been under the bed gathering dust for two years. It’s. Painfully. Slow. Going. #iwillbedrinkingwinetonight #itsmedicinalnow #thismovecantcomesoonenough

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