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The Sound of Motherhood

"It's like raising Beyoncé"

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🎂👶🏻CALLING ALL FIRST TIME MUMS👶🏻🎂 This is Moo’s mummy. Moo’s mummy once had a bright idea when Moo was a baby that it would be really sweet to bake her precious princess a birthday cake. Moo’s mummy can’t actually bake. Moo’s mummy also likes to put untold amounts of pressures on herself to make everything perfect. Moo’s mummy is a dickhead. 11 years on, and a million cake tutorials on You Tube later, Moo now equates feeling loved to the receiving of a homemade cake. Even though Moo’s birthday has technically passed and she is not having a party this year. If Moo’s mummy doesn’t spend the first day she has had to herself this year making this cake, precious Moo will feel unworthy. Even though Moo’s daddy got away with merely taking her to Cream’s, Moo will expect so much more from her mummy. Obviously it is Moo’s mummy alone who has placed herself on this ridiculous pedal stool that needs a ladder to reach and Moo’s mummy doesn’t technically like heights much. Moo’s mummy really should have adopted the ‘school of hard knocks’ approach to parenting instead. Today Moo’s mummy burnt the first cake and then had to make another cake and got into a pickle ‘cos she ran out of icing sugar. Moo’s mummy now has a sweaty top lip and is wondering where in world it is 5pm so she can justify having a gin. First time mums: don’t be like Moo’s mummy. Be more like Moo’s daddy. Or buy the Colin the Caterpillar cake. That is what it’s there for 😜 #colinthecaterpillarcake #itsthereforareason #saveoursanity #fmfl #imwingingittoo #onawingandaprayer

🙈🤪INFLUENCED🤪🙈 Recently, I bought a big new bottle of gin JUST because I was influenced to buy this teeny tiny bottle of spicy coke by @welcometoginuary 🤣 I am an advertisers dream. On the plus side it’s fucking lush. Right I’m off to watch QVC. Cheers! #happyfridaymofos #amiaginfluencernow

👧🏽Only child👧🏽 When your only child tells you she doesn’t intend on having children and you see your chances of one day being a Granny drop faster than Bill Clinton’s trousers 😱 Well, that’s bloody gratitude for you 🤷🏼‍♀️😜 #shouldhavehadaspare #mayhavetohaveanother #checkoutthemultitasking #wasted

❤️❤️On your skates❤️❤️ Four years ago this month I had one of my brain waves (which are never actually brain waves) to take up ice skating. As a child of the @torvillanddeanofficial bolero generation I decided I wanted Moo to be an ice skater so that I could live my childhood dream vicariously through her. Obvs. Turns out she didn’t actually want to ice skate without me though. Bugger. Now, me ice skating hadn’t actually been part of the plan. Or budget 🙄 And it turned out I needn’t have bloody bothered booking myself on the course anyway as we were immediately split into separate groups at opposite ends of the bloody ice rink. Ffs. So off we toodled to the ice rink every Sunday morning at the sparrow’s chuff for about two months. Whilst she took to it like a penguin to snow I was a touch more ‘bambi’. And whilst she progressed quickly as kids annoyingly do, I merely embarrassed myself by stacking it big time when accidentally landing on my tail bone and narrowly avoiding pissing myself then and there (a common impact urge from slamming your coccyx apparently. Who knew?!). Whilst the whole ice rink gawped at me in collective horror (thanking God it wasn’t them 🤣) my ever-so-slightly dramatic child had an epic moment of hysteria watching her “broken” mummy being assisted off the ice by several concerned instructors meaning she needed to be escorted off the ice too by her instructor further disrupting the whole ice rink (we are nothing but subtle and completely inconspicuous me and my girl 🤣🙈). Quite how we both managed to graduate and get our grade one is beyond me. Especially when I ended up having to take the next ten days off work cos I couldn’t walk 🙈. Tbh I think they passed me out of pity 🤣 So it is with real awe that I’m sat here watching the celebrities skate on @dancingonice - rather them than me! Oh and well done to @itv for breaking ground by having the first same sex partnership (overdue but welcome). Now, I wonder if the child fancies rock climbing....🤔

Sinking both of these bad boys. I say sinking but that tiny measure you see in that glass is the sum total of both of those ‘bottles’. I’ll be honest, I’ve knocked back larger quantities of mouth wash than I have this glass of wine 🙈 But that’s all I have since it’s dry January (I quite like my wine semi-dry so that’s the principle I’ve adopted for #dryjanuary clearly). @rubischocolatewine I will give you this: this wine literally does taste like chocolate. In fact, its so chocolately I almost feel the need to go out and buy some normal wine to enjoy alongside my chocolate if that makes sense?! 🤣 Anyway, happy frickin Friday eve peeps. Today’s been a long one (unlike this glass of wine 😜). #itslikeamagnumforpixies #iamawineinfluencernow #untilginfriday

Rewind two weeks: Child: “Mum, it’s World War One day at school the day after I go back to school after Christmas” Me: “Oh, that sounds...fun...although your fun will be rationed, of course”. Boom boom. **The WW1 joke pans. Humour is wasted on the young** Child, using her slightly worried voice: “Are you going to write this down anywhere?” Me, bemused: “Why, do I need to do that?! When have I ever forgotten a school fancy dr — look I’ll remember this time, ok?” Child, with a furrowed brow: “Are you sure Mum?” Me, with way too much gusto for what is essentially a shockingly poor track record of remembering anything school-related: “Darling child, fruit of my now-loose loom, I have Two Whole Weeks to remember this. LEAVE IT WITH ME! I have it ALL covered!” This morning: Child: “Mum, did you remember to collect my great-grandfather’s RAF cap and cane, and MBE medal off Grandma so I can ‘rock’ WW1 day and make all the other kids look half-arsed, like you promised?!” **Insert your expletive of choice here** We ALL knew where this was headed, right?! And if you didn’t you have WAY too much faith in my parenting abilities 🤣🙈 #eventhechildknewinadvanceidforget #thankgodforamazonsamedaydelivery #itsalmosttenpmanditsnotarrivedyet #ifitdoesntarriveimscrewed

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